Hi there, I’m Aarti, Founder and Lead Counsellor at Incontact. Welcome to the 12th edition of 1-1-2 Inspire!

I'm generally quite attuned to the needs of those around me—family, friends, colleagues. Caring for those around me has always felt natural and important. But over the years, I’ve noticed how many people tip to the other extreme, distancing themselves from this instinct in an attempt to "fix" their people-pleasing tendencies. In trying to set boundaries, they end up disconnecting entirely.

People-pleasing has been vilified in recent years, often reduced to something we must “fix.” But is it really that simple? In this edition of 1-1-2 Inspire, let’s explore the fine line between connection and self-abandonment.

Here’s 1 story, 1 takeaway, and 2 tips to revisit and reframe our people-pleasing spectrum.

1 Story

People-pleasing spectrum

One of my clients, let’s call her Meera, came to me feeling exhausted. She had spent years bending over backward for people in her life—saying yes when she wanted to say no, avoiding conflict at all costs, and feeling like she was constantly responsible for keeping the peace. She was burnt out, resentful, and disconnected from herself.

When we explored the root of her behavior, we found that it wasn’t about weakness or a lack of boundaries. Meera had grown up in a home where harmony was important. Expressing her needs often led to tension, so she learned that pleasing others kept her safe. She carried this pattern into adulthood, confusing connection with compliance.

Meera wasn’t wrong for wanting to be kind and accommodating. What we needed to work on was intention and balance.

The origins of people-pleasing

Many of us develop people-pleasing tendencies as a survival instinct. From an evolutionary perspective, our ancestors depended on social bonds for safety. Rejection could mean isolation and isolation meant danger. This explains why people-pleasing is deeply wired into us—it’s an effort to maintain belonging.

For some, this instinct is amplified by early experiences. If you grew up in a household where love felt conditional or where conflict was unsafe, you may have learned that pleasing others was the path to acceptance. Over time, this becomes second nature.

The two extremes

People-pleasing exists on a continuum:

• On one end, healthy people-pleasing fosters warmth, cooperation, and strong relationships. It allows us to be adaptable and empathetic.

• On the other end, self-abandoning people-pleasing leads to exhaustion, resentment, and a loss of personal identity. It happens when we consistently prioritize others at our own expense.

When people-pleasing is really an escape

On the flip side, I once worked with a client—let’s call him Rohan—who was convinced he was a people-pleaser. He would disengage from conflict quickly, avoid addressing issues, and say things like, “I just don’t want to deal with the drama.” But as we worked together, he realized that his behavior wasn’t really about pleasing others—it was about avoiding discomfort.

Rohan wasn’t a people-pleaser. He was an escape artist, mistaking avoidance for kindness. He wasn’t prioritizing relationships; he was dodging the emotional work that comes with them. Sometimes, what we call people-pleasing is actually self-protection in disguise.

1 Takeaway

Connection without self-compromise

Not all people-pleasing is unhealthy. Wanting to meet others’ needs can be an expression of care and emotional intelligence. The problem arises when it comes at the cost of your own well-being.

Instead of seeing people-pleasing as something to eliminate, try seeing it as something to refine. Ask yourself:

• Am I doing this out of fear or love?

• Am I abandoning my own needs to make others comfortable?

• Would I still do this if I wasn’t worried about their reaction?

The goal is not to reject kindness but to balance self-respect with empathy. True connection happens when you can show up as yourself, not just as someone who exists to make others happy.

2 tools to balance caring for others with caring for yourself

Tool #1: The “Pause and Check-In” Rule

The next time you feel the urge to say yes to something, pause. Ask yourself: “Am I saying yes because I genuinely want to, or because I feel obligated?” 🤔

If it’s obligation-driven, try saying, “Let me think about it and get back to you.” This small shift gives you time to assess your true feelings before committing.

Tool #2: Set boundaries with kindness

You don’t have to choose between setting boundaries and being warm. Try gentle yet firm language:

• Instead of “I can’t help you,” say “I’d love to help, but I’m at capacity right now.”

• Instead of “I don’t have time for this,” say “I want to give this my full attention, but I need to do it at a time that works for both of us.”

Boundaries aren’t rejection. They’re an act of self-respect.

The world doesn’t need less kindness. It needs more balanced kindness—the kind that includes yourself in the equation.

I leave you with one question to self-introspect:

What’s one way you can start balancing care for others with care for yourself today?

Warm wishes,

Aarti